Ideation

I wonder what would 

tempt to cut away the life in me.

To feel it rush out, spilling

onto the ground. To allow harm 

to myself.

There is a sick churning in my

stomach at the thought,

a gnawing, nervous notion

that began as a silent prayer.

Would it be better to find some way,

painless, less messy?

But I know the truth of painless,

it would only be painless to me.

No speculation of a car running,

left in enclosed space, 

fumes that lull you into 

dreamless sleep.

And though my loved ones,

my family and friends,

close acquaintances, and others

may feel the eerie effects of what

was done, it is not

their tears that spare me.

To end my story seems such 

a deep shame, I would swear

I’d never recover in the afterlife.

I’d swear it on my soul.

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One thought on “Ideation

  1. This is something I have contemplated a lot because of my depression and ED. My ED is planning to die of starvation after my parents don’t have control of me anymore. My depression is happy with this plan. Hang in there xx

    Like

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